Devil's Advocate
by crematosis
Summary: Everyone needs someone to talk to when they're making difficult decisions. Tony's not sure how a grumpy angel and a flirty demon are going to help.
A/N: I have a lot of stories I'm currently working on, which is totally why my brain decided to start a silly new thing. Although there will be some serious business later. Be warned!

Disclaimer: It's not totally a new idea, borrowed heavily from those old cartoons with the angel and the devil popping up on people's shoulders, but you know, sillier.

Tony stumbled away from the bar, clutching his glass of whiskey tightly as he made his way towards the floor.

He hated these charity balls. It was always the same shit. Dress up and plaster on a fake smile while talking to boring people. Drinking was the only way he was ever going to survive the night.

That and maybe chatting up the redhead in the skintight green dress. Because, damn, she was hot. He could totally make it through the night if she promised to come home with him.

"Bad idea," said a voice at his right.

A really close voice on his right. Jesus, it sounded like the guy was right on top of him.

Tony whirled around and-

Nobody was there.

"Quit playing around," said the voice, again right at his ear. "We need to talk."

Tony caught a flash of movement and his eyes flicked downwards.

Oh god, there was a tiny man on his shoulder.

Tony stared down into his drink with alarm. It was only his third drink, which meant he wasn't nearly drunk enough to start hallucinating. What the hell was in this?

"Hey, eyes up here, pal," the apparition ordered.

Reluctantly, he lifted his eyes back to the little man on his shoulder. Why hadn't he hallucinated a familiar person like Rhodey? Rhodey was always bitching about him getting into trouble so having his brain summon up a miniature Rhodey to torment him wouldn't have been quite so alarming.

But this man was a stranger. One of the party guests who had subconsciously made an impression on him? No, Tony would have remembered someone this hot. God, those dark, flashing eyes and those long, messy locks. Tony was always a sucker for a mysterious stranger.

"So," said the sexy shoulder man. "I'm your angel."

"You sure are," Tony said, raking his gaze over the man's body. What a pity he was only five inches tall.

The man made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat. "You're not that drunk, Stark. Now shut up and let me explain before the other guy gets here."

"Well, well, well," a voice purred at Tony's left. "You sure know how to pick 'em."

Reluctantly, Tony turned to find a muscular blonde man standing on his other shoulder. "Oh no," he whispered. "There's two of you?"

"Fuck," said the brunette. "Steve?"

"Bucky," the blonde said with a smirk. "Long time no see."

Tony looked between the two of them in consternation. His hallucinations seemed to know each other. That had to be a bad sign, right?

"It's James to you," Bucky said with an aggravated sigh. "But, whatever, I know you don't care. You'll keep calling me Bucky just to piss me off. And I can't afford to get distracted." He turned to Tony with a look of focused determination in his eyes. "Don't listen to what he tells you. You don't really want to sleep with that woman."

"Of course he does," Steve said. "He was undressing her with his eyes."

Tony's eyes flicked back to the woman with a regretful sigh. She really was pretty hot. And her ass looked fantastic in that dress. But there was no way he could sleep with her if his conscience and his libido kept arguing all night. Hell, he wasn't going to be able to do much of anything with them going on like that. They were so distracting. And if he kept talking to them, people were going to think he was crazy. It was a miracle nobody was staring at him yet.

"Pay attention, damnit," Bucky snapped. "Your soul is at stake."

Tony's gaze snapped back to his shoulder. "Okay, figment of my imagination," he said. "I can buy you doing the whole Jimminy Cricket conscience thing, but come on, don't you think you're taking it a little too far? I'm not going to hell for one fuck."

"Of course not," Steve said soothingly.

Bucky leveled Steve with a sharp look and then frowned at Tony. "Come on. You know how this works. The sooner you make up your mind, the sooner we can all go home."

"No I don't," Tony said. "This kind of thing has never happened to me before." He'd had his share of mental breakdowns, but this was definitely a new low.

"Never?" Bucky repeated in disbelief. "That's impossible. You're forty-five. You can't have made it to forty-five without ever coming to an important decision."

Tony shrugged. "I'm usually pretty wasted at these functions. Maybe I'always start seeing things when I'm drunk."

"I'm talking about your entire life," Bucky said with an agitated wave of his hands. "All those decisions you've had to make, and nobody's ever talked you through them?"

"I think I've done just fine on my own," Tony said. Considering the hallucinations, fine might be overstating it just a little. But, still, he was surviving and his inventions were keeping the company going.

"You shouldn't have had to," Bucky said. "Mankind has always had supernatural help for making difficult decisions. An angel and a demon are supposed to show up to talk you through every major decision."

"And I'm the angel," Steve said. "Obviously."

"What?" Bucky sputtered. "Oh, you fucking liar. You damn-"

"Language," Steve said with a smug smile. "Angels aren't supposed to swear."

"Angels don't try and convince people to sleep with some random broad for the night," Bucky shot back. "Trust me, Tony. Steve's a demon. And all his kind knows are lies and deceit."

Tony looked back and forth between the two of them. Steve looked slightly more angelic with his fair hair and easy smile, but there was something slightly sinister in his eyes. Bucky just looked pissed off.

"I don't know," Tony said helplessly. "Neither of you totally look the part. Aren't there halos and horns and shit?"

"I knew you weren't completely stupid," Bucky said with a feral grin. His skin started to glow and then his suit morphed into a pristine white robe.

"Oh, darn. You got me," Steve said with a dramatic sigh. He waved a hand and his clothes burned off him, revealing coal-black body armor that seemed to glow red at the seams.

"Wow," Tony said. "Why didn't you two start with this?"

Steve shrugged. "People listen better when we look like people."

"And after a few years they stop being impressed by our true forms," Bucky added. "I'm definitely looking into your file when I get back. You shouldn't have been neglected like this."

"But we're here now," Steve said cheerfully. "Not that you need us. Go back to your evening of debauchery."

"No," Bucky said. "I won't let you cheat on Pepper."

Pepper. Tony's gut twisted painfully. That's why the redheaded woman seemed so attractive. She looked so much like her.

"He's not cheating on her," Steve protested. "They're not even dating."

"But they're moving in that direction. Although, they may never get there if Tony keeps chasing after other women." Bucky looked Tony right in the eyes. "You need to prove to Pepper that you have self-control, that you can be faithful."

Tony swallowed hard. He had never been good at self-control. But he supposed he could make it through one charity ball without sex. He could at least do that much.

"It's useless," Steve insisted. "The relationship won't last."

"That's up to them," Bucky said calmly. "Our work here is done." He vanished in a ray of golden light.

Tony downed the rest of his whiskey and wandered back towards the bar. He was going to keep drinking until he forgot he ever saw that woman. And hopefully forget about the rest of the night while he was at it.


End file.
